my curse

Hey

So I am officially a college girl now

I am currently studying Human Resource Management at Akademi Pimpinan Perusahaan.

Remember in my last post I stated how I kinda hoped I get in to that campus so it wouldn’t cost a lot of money.

Well it did come true and here I am

I still don’t understand why the fuck I could get in here though. I mean, I didn’t even study for the test and I did the test basically by my own imagination and my fucked up logic.

I don’t even like this major though, I don’t even know or like any of these thing in Human Resource Management.

My heart  still in English Literature because I absolutely like culture, english, writing, et cetera.

I am basically doing this because my hell of a mother forced me to.

Because she said my future would be great if I get in this college and take this major YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT MY HAPPINESS AND MY PASSION IN JOURNALISM mom?

I still have no idea what I would be after graduating from here I mean when I graduate from here I only get a diploma degree not a bachelor and it’s human resource management and it’s limited and FOR FUCK SAKE MY MAJOR ONLY LEARNS ENGLISH FOR 2 BLOODY SEMESTERS GEE MY FAVORITE SUBJECT:”””(

I have to learn such things as business math, accounting, economy, ALL OF THOSE SHITS THAT I’VE BEEN AVOIDING IN HIGH SCHOOL GEE AM I CURSED OR WHAT

My heart is screaming “what the fuck are you doing in here you idiot” everytime I enter a class

Anyway, I think I’m gonna try the sbmptn thingy again next year AND HOPEFULLY I CAN GET THAT MOTHERFUCKING ENGLISH LITERATURE PROGRAM.

ouch

I didn't get in to those universities that I took a tests to get in.
It's been 3 times I got rejected. I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know what God has in store for me but I do know I just gotta trust Him and I know that but it still friggin' hurts. I feel like I'm a disappointment and I let down all of my family. I know I know I may not be the family kind of girl and I had stated a few times before that I'm not really into them but it's hurt to know that I add up their burden because I'll go to private schools and it'll cost more money.
I feel like I'm not good enough and I'm stupid and useless etc.
I know I'm not supposed to feel that way but I can't help it.
It hurts to see all those people get in that great state universities while I'm here like a sitting duck just watching them be happy.
I'm happy for them but there's a pang of jealousy inside of me like "why I can't be like them" or "I wish I  were that lucky" etc
Anyway there's one more test that I'll take in August for Akademi Pimpinan Perusahaan it's sort of state university-ish so it doesn't really cost a lot of money so hopefully I'll get in to that..

what a wonderful world.

HI!
SO...
I'm still not a college student YET.
Yea a lot of people are already officially registered as a college student in some university, but not me. I'm still waiting for the tests result.
yep, I said TESTS, as a plural because I had already done a several tests to get in to several college.
SBMPTN, check.
STP Bandung, check.
The results, about 2 weeks from now and I don't know if I can handle if I don't get into any college from the tests.
Seriously tho, right now I'm basically hoping for the best but expecting the worst because the last time I was being oh so hopeful (snmptn), I didn't get in and it hurts like a beyotch.
I'm hanging on to this verse from the Holy Bible;
  "If God is for us, who can be against us?" -Rome 8:31
and this quote;
  "Do what you can, and God will do what you can't"
Seriously tho, God is so very almighty and basically He has already prepared for my future before I was even a creature, so I just gotta trust Him. Have faith that He holds my future in His hand and everything will be okay in the end.
So, I'm now trying to be my best self, and not because I want to get in to college but because I want to enter my new chapter of my life and I want to be a better person that reflects Love, Faith, and Hope in everything I do and be the bright light to express His love in this bitter world.
I know, I know that sounds sooooo hippie and cheesy but I mean it.
Doesn't mean that I'm now a perfect, joyful, human being that doesn't do bad at all. Like I said I am TRYING  so I still have to fight everyday against the bitter and the rage inside of me and it's a hell of a battle.
I still face the same problem everyday, and I have to shut the urge to say bad things or be bitter about them everyday.
I face the demon inside and the temptation to be mean and I fight them everyday, because I wanna be my best self.
Sure, sometimes I fail and I let the rage and the bitter come out but it's not the same as I used to be.
I'm trying to be grateful about my life because if I don't appreciate it, then it's still gonna be bitter and the bitterness isn't gonna only affect my pessimist judgement, it'll affect my family and friends and everything around me as well.
So I'm trying to see good things and the good reason in my bitter life and be grateful about it so hopefully everyone around me can feel the bright and the positive-ness (is that even a word?) because of me.
besides, I'm a christian, I do believe in God and God is love and love is real and positive and beautiful. So why don't I use the love to make people around me feels better even it's a teeny tiny amount of love?

p r o m

SOOOOO last night I had a prom night with my entire senior class. It was super fun.

The prom was held on Hotel Borobudur and the place was so good and so fabulous and just breath taking. I love my hair and makeup and I love my shoe and everyone was just so perfect that night. The boys wearing tux and all and the girls were pretty in gown and makeup and it was just so good to see them gather around for the last time and they all dressed nicely. It was just crazy how prom was the event that my friends and I had been talked about since our sophomore year and suddenly it’s all over.

I cried last night when we gather around and pray for our each other’s success and to say sorry and hug them for the last time. I hugged my bestfriends tightly because we are soo close in high school and I don’t wanna be apart from them. I cried like a freakin’ baby last night. And they showed the documentary about our time together since junior year and all the times, the laughs, the moments that we’ve shared together. I still remember the first time I went into that school.

Then I remembered our friend Dwi. She was my classmate in junior year. She should’ve been there at the prom. She should’ve been with us celebrating our graduation. She passed away about a year ago. May she rest in peace and celebrating with us wherever she is. We love you, Dwi.

Then the music changed to a clubbing music and we all danced and laughed and just having a great time and eventhough I wear 7 cm heels and it’s killing my leg, I still danced and jumped around and enjoyed it. It was really super super fun and I got to see the wild side of everyone that I’ve never thought could go wild like that. It was fun, seriously. But my mom called and I had to leave the party at 12.30 and that was sucks because the party was still going on and on. Ugh .

Arrived home my leg was hurting and I was tired but it was all worth it to spend the best night my besties and school mates. Love ya’ all!!!

ASGDBAHJDSN

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I DIDN’T GET IN TO THAT UNIVERSITY

Through the snmptn thingy, sbm and um? let’s seeJ

Still, it was a huge slap on my face and it hurts like hell. I was in some event when I opened the result and when I opened it.... I was crying my eyes out for like an hour and honestly it still stings a little bit and I still get that crying feeling. I just wanna wrap myself with a blanket and sleeping and crying for a week and after I’m done, I’ll study for the tests. And this time, I’ll study hard like my life depends on it.

It hurts, you know, to know that you got rejected again and it scar your self esteem again. Man, I was feeling confident about this snmptn thingy and it didn’t work out as I expected and the pain is in there. I felt the pang in my chest and until now, it still hurts to see other successful people that got in.

And now I’m feeling my hope is decreasing little by little to know that the tests will be hard and the student capacity will be more and more decreased and that means my chance in this will be a teeny tiny percent.

I know I know that I should think positive and trust me, i AM TRYING but this bad thoughts and the pessimist side of me begins to show..

And it’s even more sucks because I feel like I dissapoint my family and now my mom will be pushing me harder to get into school that I don’t llke and that’s definetely not my thing, not my passion.

She still doesn’t get it that I AM PASSIONATE ABOUT WRITING, CULTURES, ENGLISH, ETC.

And as a kid it’s sooooooooooooooooo hard to convince my mom that this kind of thing is good and I’ll make it in this.

I know that God has another plans for me. Maybe not through this snmptn thingy  but another way. I may not knowing what is His plan and I may feel like lost but all I gotta do is to trust His heart because He is sooo good and every plan, every future that He has prepared it for me, it must be good and the best for me.

I just wish I could stop having a doubt and not to be anxious and scared and worry all the time.

tired just tired

“I want to make the best of what is left, hold tight.. And hear my beating heart one last time... before daylight..”

“’Cause  I’ll be leaving in the morning.. come the white wine bitter sunlight..”

I want to give up. Like seriously I’m okay with the thought of dying. I’m not scared of it. If it’s the only way I’ll be happy and free then I’m okay with it.

That doesn’t mean I’m going to kill myself rightaway.. that thought crossed my mind but I’m not ready for the consequence of suicide, but if God decide to take away my soul right now then be it.

I mean what’s the point of my existence? It’s not like I’m the most loved person in the world. I even doubt someone’s gonna miss me when I’m gone for good. The point of my existence has always been to be the puppet or a ‘side dish’ of someone. They say they love me but i think what they really mean is they enjoy me being presence and they only love the way I listen for all of their crap. They don’t know me well enough to love me.

I’m so tired being ignored and neglected. I’m so tired trying to fit in or finding the place where I belong. I don’t fit in anywhere, I don’t belong anywhere, and it hurts me when I feel okay somewhere, they kick me out or drive me away so easily. It hurts.

And what’s the point of holding on to some fake hope of the better future when nobody, no one ever tell me that it’s all gonna be okay. No one gives me that kind of thing. Hell nobody ever asked what I’m feeling. Nobody tells me to be okay or motivate me to pursuing my happiness. Nobody. Not a single person care enough to do that.

Family? Only by blood. One thing I learn from them is to NEVER depend or another human being even it’s your family. And not every family has that kind of endlesss love. Some family are too broken and no matter what, cannot be changed. The only way is to drift apart from them. Some family are toxic, like mine. They are the bad influence in my life, They are the negativity in my life, They. Ruined. Me.

I’m tired pretending like I’m an emotionless bitch when actually I do feel everything.

Too many bad things in my life I don’t know where to fix first. I don’t even know what to fix when the damages are that many.

I wanna die or at least put me in a sleeping state for a few months until everything is getting better

I don’t wanna live my life if I’m not really living. I wanna be free and happy and feeling enough and belong somewhere. I wanna feel loved just for the way I am. I want a simple, normal, happy life.  I want a life that I’ve never had.  I wanna show my laugh, angry, love, breath, worry, and all of the emotions that I feel to someone without being judged or told not to.

I wanna be free, God. That doesn’t mean I’m gonna do something bad like hook up with stranger or being a total slut, it just means I wanna be free of being who I am and free showing my feeling without anyone bitching about how I’m not supposed to feel that way. That means I wanna be free doing things that I really like, like singing, reading, or watching without people bitching how I’m supposed to be their private listener instead of doing what I want. I wanna be free saying what I think in mind without having to explain it. I wanna be free saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ without having to explain a reason behind it.

That’s the kind of freedom that I want. Is that wrong? Because my whole life I have never did all of that. Because for 17 years of my life, that’s never been my life. That’s what I’ve always been craving on.

So, if I can’t have all of that freedom in my life. What’s the point on continue my life?

High School

Remember when I said I couldn’t wait to get out and leaving all of this behind? Now I’m at the end of high school and I don’t think I’m ready to leave it all behind. Yes my high school life wasn’t that good but I have had experiences in my life during high school. All the good memories, good times that I had, all had happened in high school. I don’t think I’m ready to say goodbye to that times that will never happen again ever.

During high school, I think I grew alot, emotionally and mentally. High school taught me a lot about life. In the past 3 years I’ve been changing so much. Me in junior year is so much different from I am right now. I was childish, spoiled brat and for 3 years I had been given the tough situations that made me who I am today. All the bad things had happened to me for the past 3 years and I had managed to survive.

And for this 3 years, I’ve met the people that taught me a lot and I am so grateful for that. This people in my school in my class year.. Well I’d never thought I’d say this but man, I’ll miss them so much. They grew on me and yes some of them are annoying as hell but I managed to get used to it and it’ll be so weird not meeting them again for a long time after high school.

I also met my bestfriends as I call it. I actually had never even thought this people would become my bestriends but here I am loving this hot headed girls that I call my bestfriends. I had never thought they would mean so much to me. All the good memories in high school, most of them including them. I am comfortable around them, I share every moments with them and all of sudden we will be apart and the worst part is I might not gonna see them for a very long time. I’ll miss them so much, I’ll miss the moments I spent with them and that’s gonna hurt like a bitch.

I still remember the first day of high school, it was awkward and I was so excited and now I’m about to graduate. That sucks because I  remember every single moments of high school and I want to go back and start it all over again. I don’t wanna let go of those memories and I wanna re-live it again. I don’t want this memories to fade away. I don’t want to forget this as I grow older.

I don’t want to grow up.

I don’t want to grow up if it means I have to say goodbye.

I hate saying goodbyes to things I’m used to and to people that I love.

It’s depressing to think as we graduate we will face our own ways. And we’ll drift apart and eventually we’ll be just a faded memories to each other. And when we meet again, we’re not as close as we are now. We become strangers to each other and we have our own life without including each other. And then we’ll chit chat about lives and we move on with our own lives.

I don’t wanna be a strangers to them.

God, I hate growing up.

“Cherish your high school friends, they’ll end up being strangers for the rest of your lives” –Tumblr

That quote is so sadly true. In the end, no matter how close we are to high school friends, for the rest our lives they’ll end up being a strangers to us.

That’s why I hate graduating high school. Because they mean so much to me to be end up as a strangers.

I love you guys so much, Ahda, Oce, Leri, Eca, Lisa.

I wish we’d never be strangers no matter if we meet 10 or 30 years from now, okay? :’(

lone wolf

you know what I just realized? I realize that I'm a loner. A lone wolf.
that doesn't mean that I avoid people, it's just I'm much more comfortable being alone. I'd rather being alone lost in my own thoughts than being in a room with a crowded people. That doesn't mean I push people away, I just realize that there's a wall built between me and people even if I'd never intended to. There's a separator between my personal life and people around me including my family. I'll never be 100% myself when I'm around people even if that my closest people like family and friends. I don't even feel home even in my own house. I never feel like I belong to anywhere. I never feel like I'm exactly where I was supposed to be.
That doesn't mean I hate my family. I do love them so much and I care about them but they're not exactly the kind of people that I'd love being around with. And I'm dreaming leave this family behind because yes I love them but there's a part of me that want to be free of them. I want to be free of them. Free of their judgement, their treatment towards me, their constant rant about the problems they're dealing with, etc. Don't get me wrong, it's okay to be upset about something but please don't lash it out on me. I love my family but I was born not to be their mailbox and their little girl. I love them but they need to stop treating me like a little kid and for once hear me out.
They've never saw my pain and my late night crying because of them. Correction, nobody ever did.
I've been holding my pain for too long to myself. The pain that they had caused.
They never know that some of their words actually hurt me. Actually, I don't think they know that I am still a human and I can't just turn my feelings off eventhough I've never showed it.
They keep pushing me to do something that I never want to do. They keep dictating my future and my life. Yes I know they just want me to be safe and rich and success but my family's definition of success is completely different from mine.
They want me to be a normal employee in government's office with a big salary, an insurance, etc. That's their definition of success. But that's not what I want. It's not enough for me. It's never gonna be enough for me. That ordinary life has never been my goal in life.
Living ordinary life, stay in the same country until my death, having a kids here, having a boring husband, being a stay at home wife? and then what? you grow old in the exact same house and die. And then people will forget you once you die, 100 years from now you'll be just a name in a tombstone, you'll fade away like you were never a part of this world. And you'll die without knowing and experiencing the big beautiful world out there.
I don't want to end up like that. That's very pathetic, really.
I know I said I'm a lone wolf. But what if the lone wolf just have to be alone and explore every inch of this world to create it's pack. The lone wolf that has never felt home must be through an extremely incredible journey to finally feel home and that wolf creates a pack, a family, it's own family.
That's the kind of journey that I'm willing to take. That's the kind of life that I'm craving.
Exploring the world, write down every memory that I've experienced, share my incredible journey to people,  learning new culture, see the wonders of the world, share my experience to another lone wolf out there, helping people, stand up to injustice, speak out about the injustice, get my hand dirty by helping the third world people, create a foundation for another lone wolf that going through what I had been through, inspire people, making myself known as a good and inspiring the adolescent to be better, making the hopeless people feel hope, making young girls feel beautiful and strong, making people believe that in the end we'll get our own happiness.
And through my journey, I'll meet my mate. I'll meet my half. With him, I'll continue my journey and that mate   will be my bestfriend, my safe haven, my person. I'll finally be 100% myself around him. He'll laugh at my stupid recklessness but he'll be patient enough to face my stubornness and he'll be strong enough to pull me up everytime I try to give up.
Then I'll settle down. I'll settle down in some nice, windy, place and create my pack, my home. I'll have a cute kids, my little wolf, and after they're big enough they'll be a strong, independent wolves. They'll looking for their own pack. And I'll be happily hear their stories and I'll always be there for them everytime they need to talk. I'll love them with all my heart. My mate, and my lovely little wolves will be my home.
And I'll grow old. I can't continue my adventure with my little wolves. I'll move and stay in a beach house. The beach isn't that bahamas type. It's just a quiet coast, windy, the weather is not hot but it's not cold too. I'll sit down on a nice bench on my porch with my mate, sipping the warm tea, seeing my little wolves grown up and playing with their little wolves outside on a white sand. I'll feel very calm and happy seeing my pack.
And with that I'll drift off into the death. I'll die without pain only relief. I'll die knowing that I've finally feel home. I'll die knowing that I've seen the beauties of the world. I'll die knowing that my existence in this world will be known. That my life isn't just gonna fade away. I'll die knowing that my stories, my journey, my adventures will inspire and will be meaning to another people's lives. And another lone wolves will know that a lone wolf isn't gonna be alone forever.

2014!!!!

IT'S FREAKING 2014!!!!!
I still feel kind of weird typing '2014'. It seems so unreal. I mean I still feel last year was 2011.
It's freakin' amazing how a year kind of flew by so freakin' fast but sometimes feel kind of a long time ago too. I must say that I'm not really ready to face this year.
Why? because in this year I'll graduate from high school, going to college, meet new people, and basically in this year, I'll have to face the whole new situation and let's be honest I'm not good at being comfortable in new situation.
I'm not ready to face the future. I'm not ready to grow up just yet.
I still want to be with my friends, my family, and my life now. But in order to growing up, I'll have to learn to say goodbye to the things that have always been my comfort zone. I'm sooo not ready.
And graduating from high school means it's the end of my school life, because in college it'll be a whole lot different and I'll have to take care of myself if I want to survive. No more uniforms, no more sitting with your classmates and joking, no more wake-up-at-dawn-so-you're-not-late anymore.
It still scares me how 3 years of my high school life now have to come to an end. Like seriously I still feel I was only a junior last year and being so threatened by my senior and now I am one. I've been dreaming about my high school life since elementary school and now it's about to end?!
In 3 years, I've faced the ups and downs of my life. Whether it's in school, friendship, or family.  I've had so many problems, difficult ones, in the past 3 years of my high school life. I've met a lot of people and some of them became my best friends now. A strangers that I once thought I'd never be friends with, is now my bestfriends. A friends that once who had always stick together with me, we're now drifting apart. My life now, is not the same as last year or a year before. I actually never even thought my life could be different. I actually have never imagined my life could change, that my life could be better. And my life is getting better.
I just wish this year, my life will continue on getting better eventhough I also scared that since 2014 is the year that everything in my life is about to change, I'm scared it'll be a worse kind of change. But let's not be bitter, and have faith in whatever God had planned me to be or to do in this year. Let's see a year ahead what I'll be writing about this year.Cheers!