November 16th, 2013

Hey, so umm... I'm so bored right now so I've decided to post something.

No.. I'm so bored with my life. maybe I've watched or read too many fiction books and movies.

Basically my life now is:

-wake up early in the morning

-go to school

-survive

-go home

-do my homework

-go to sleep.

and it happens repeatedly every single day. I'm just exhausted from all of that activity. School isn't just draining my mind but also my energy. I mean, I want to keep my energy to do other activities but I can't. I think school doesn't realize that I do have another life besides school. I do have a family and I'd love to hang out with them and just chit chat with my friends and read a books or watch movies. I need a me time, Dammit!

I need a time for just focusing with myself without people bother me with questions or some stupid stuffs. I need a new places and new people. I need to escape from my daily routine and just relax without having to worry about people around me because I don't really know them and same as them. I need to get away to new, relaxing place. I dream of that.

I want a week off:( I want to go somewhere new and relax there. Maybe a shore? but not that too hot beach. I want a cold and windy beach. And stay in my hotel room for a day and just reading books and stay in bed and if I get bored, I just walk around the town visiting some cool new places and learn new culture and then if I get tired I just sit there in a coffee shop and order a hot chocolate and being comfortable in a couch and wearing a warm sweater and continue my reading. 

BUT, I can't do that since I have to live my life as a student and have to go to jail  I mean, school... everyday. It's not that I hate school, I hate the system and the rules. When in fact that system and rule are not really working for us, we still dumb anyway! ugh just to think about school makes me feel I want to vomit.

September 27th, 2013

Holy crap!
it's almost October?! how could it  be?? seriously, I feel like December was last month! I feel like I just passed the 10th grade and now I'm in a senior year. And I'm already 17 years old. Man, that sucks!
I just can't believe how times fly sooooo unbelievably fast and I feel like times in a hurry or something because I'm soon gonna be a grown up and I'm not ready for that. Huhhh it seems like someone holding a remote that controls time and that person clicking the flash forward button! I hate that! Time flies so fast now and I'm hardly catching up. Because I may run out of time to do something good, something awesome to do because I'm too busy making all my life to be normal and boring.
Please God make time goes a little slow down. because I can't catch up with times now.

Waktu

Pada nyadar gak sih kalo waktu berlalu terlalu cepat akhir-akhir ini? apa ini emang normal tapi guenya yang gak bisa ngimbangin waktu karena gue terlalu lambat? apa gue doang yang ngerasa?
Gatau juga sih ya tapi gue ngerasa banget waktu jadi cepat banget. Satu hari berjalan sama kaya satu jam. Dan satu bulan jadi kaya satu minggu.
Gue jadi ngerasa aneh sendiri karena gue masih stuck di waktu yg udh lewat. Gue masih berpegang pada memori-memori otak gue yg udah lewat. Gue masih ngeliaat ke belakang dan nyadar betapa cepet gue bertumbuh dewasa.
Gue masih berpikir kalo gue ini anak umur 14 tahun  dan masa depan gue masih jauh panjang. Tapi nyatanya, gue udh mau ke umur 17 tahun. Gue ga siap untuk nentuin pilihan hidup gue, apa yg gue mau seterusnya. Gue ga siap untuk kehilangan orang-orang sekitar gue yg gue tumbuh besar bersama mereka.
Gue sadar banget gue makin dewasa dan begitu juga keluarga gue. Mereka tambah tua juga. Dan kesempatan gue untuk kehilangan mereka makin gede juga. Gue gak siap untuk hidup tanpa mereka, karena gue ngerasa gue masih anak kecil dan masih butuh mereka.
Setiap hari gue jalanin hari biasa aja kaya engga ada yg berubah tapi yang bikin gue sedih adalah saat gue nengok ke belakang dan ngeliat betapa banyak hal yang udah berubah drastis.
Gue ngerasa ini semua cuma mimpi karena saking cepetnya. Gue berharap gue bakal bangun dan ngeliat sekeliling gue dan gue masih anak 10 tahun lagi. Gue kangen banget jadi anak kecil lagi.
Gue pengen balik lagi ke masa anak-anak karena menurut gue itu masa-masa yang paling enak. Dulu hidup ga se-complicated sekarang. Dulu gue ga perlu dihadepin dengan pertanyaan-pertanyaan tentang bakal gimana hidup gue nanti.
Seandainya ada mesin waktu, mungkin gue ga bakal se sedih ini menghadapi masa depan karena gue bisa balik lg ke masa lalu dan re-live that moment.
Gue ga cuma pengen nginget semua momen yg gue udh lewatin tp gue juga pengen ngerasain hal yang gue rasain pada momen-momen itu. Gue cuma berharap ada orang di luar sana yang bisa nyiptain mesin waktu untuk gue balik lagi ke masa lalu.

Warrior-Demi Lovato

This is a story that I have never told
I gotta get this off my chest to let it go
I need to take back the light inside you stole
You're a criminal
And you steal like you're a pro

All the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I was broken and bruised

Now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again

Out of the ashes, I'm burning like a fire
You can save your apologies, you're nothing but a liar
I've got shame, I've got scars
That I will never show
I'm a survivor
In more ways than you know

Cause all the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I'm not broken or bruised

'Cause now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me

There's a part of me I can't get back
A little girl grew up too fast
All it took was once, I'll never be the same
Now I'm taking back my life today
Nothing left that you can say
Cause you were never gonna take the blame anyway

Now I'm a warrior
I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again

No oh, yeah, yeah

You can never hurt me again

my freakin' life

Have you ever think about leaving your current life without telling everyone and start a whole new life somewhere else where nobody knows you. Well, I did.
I always think about leaving my family, friends, and all my life now and start a new life far from here. I want to start a whole new me and I kinda hope that in my new life there will be no more drama and no more shitty things that really hurt me. because in my current life I'm so done with my life now. there are so many things that wrong in my family that I don't know where I'm supposed to fix it first. I really want to have a normal life. I had never asked for wealthy family and have a lot of moneys, I just want to have a normal life.
Sometimes I feel jealous of my other friends because they have a normal life and have normal parents they can look up to. Me? my parents are not the kind of parents that the kids should look up to. I know God given me that parents for a reason and He did it because He thinks it is the best for me. But, at some point I really wish I have someone to look up to, someone who is mature enough to give me some good advice about life. someone who take care of me and not me taking care of them. I'm tired because I have to be the tough one this family. I'm tired that I have to be the nice one in this family. I'm tired because I have nobody that really understand my situation and I really need someone that I can rely on. I'm sick of being alone and lost in my thought because I can never really tell someone how I really feel deep inside. I'm tired being hurt. So many things I've ever been to and so many bad word have been told to me and because of that I feel kind of numb right now. I can never be hurt again because I feel nothing when someone said bad things to me. I can't feel anything now. I guess all of the bad things that ever happened to me made me the toughest person you ever known. I'm not easily breakdown now. I'm no longer sad about stupid things like boys or some cheesy stuffs like that. And sometimes I get frustrated about my friends who cried and disturbed about stupid shits or stupid problems. I mean, look at me I've been through all the biggest shits and problems and I'm still living my life, right? I feel they don't deserve to feel desperate about little shits like that, that is really immature and stupid. I hate weak girls who cry over stupid things, like wtf bitch, you got a nice supportive family who had never abuse you! consider yourself lucky, bitch!
But, not gonna lie. eventhough my life is a shitty life and I have grown stronger for it, there are times that I just wanna feel okay and be a normal teenagers who think about boys, school, and others. I want that. but what can I do? it's too late to have that kind of life, right? so all I want now is hoping that someday my kids never have to feel the way I feel now and having a better teenage year than me.

what I want to do in my life.

So, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life. like what I really wanna do in the future and it came down to this 3 option:
1. Fashion thing
why? because I really like combining items like creating a style for people and eventhough I'm not a really fashionable person(because I'm not rich) trust me, I still catch up the latest news from the industry(i guess). at least I know some fashion brands, the designers, and models, or anyhing else. And If I want to be in this 'fashion' business, I'm quite sure about the job. I can be a stylist or editor in some magazine because I like styling people and I'm too ugly to be a model and too dumb at designing to be a designer.
2. Politics/Human rights/Justice
why? because I'm aware about today's news and about what happening now in my country. the politic situation is chaos in here and too many corruption in this country and I really want to change it. I really wanna stop this cycle of corruption. I just don't know how. and because of the corruption, politics, and injustice, other people's life is in danger. because to be on top some people can do anything even it is not right. and even it means they have to destroy other people's life. that's really awful. I really can't tell the difference between human and animal lately. because if you do such an awful thing like that, I'm sorry but you're not even a human. what the hell is happening about the value of humanity? aren't we as a human born with intellect and blessed with human rights? so why do we keep hurting each other and destroy each other as if they don't mean anything? why do we chase something that is not gonna last forever like money? yes money can buy you things but does money make you go straight to heaven? nope.
and then in my country there are a lack of tollerance about each other's religion. that is another thing that I really want to change. because I've seen terrible things. I've seen what people from another religion did to my religion. they burned the curch, they demand the government to shut down a church. why? because they said that we're a noise and it is bothering them. wtf?!
3.Work at the United Nations.
why? because eventhough I'm not the nicest people all the time, I really enjoy helping people. I really enjoy if I can make someone smile or happy. and I really want to explore the world. I want to meet people from a different country who needed help and getting involved helping them. I don't wanna be just another philanthropist who donates the money to people. I want to spend time and sharing the same situation with other people, so I can really understand what they feel. I want to help the starving kids, orphanage, and other people who aren't as lucky as I am. Maybe if I work for the UN, I can do all of that! And some of my friends and family think that it is not a good idea because I can't get a lot of moneys from that and they said I should considering work for the government if I want to succes in my future. But that's not the point, I don't work just for the moneys. I'm chasing the experience! I mean, if I work for the government what kind experience I can get? just driving to the office, spend the whole day at the office, got stuck at the traffic on the way home. No, that's not what I want. I want to do something that actually meant something to somebody's life. I want to travel around the world, meeting new people, learn new culture, and I can get all of that while I'm helping other people, right?

So, that's all. maybe one day I'll get the perfect future for me. maybe one day I'll be a environmental lawyer who works for the United Nation while opening a new clothing line! hey nothing's impossible, right? even the words itself I'M-POSSIBLE:)

...

I miss my dad so much. I miss him because he is the only person who has the same thoughts and I miss how we talked about everything and he actually did answers my arguments with his arguments not like my mom. she never take me seriously and can't understand me. she is brutal and psycho and more unstable than me eventhough I'm the young one but seems she's the teenager and I have to take care of her. I hate when I'm being missunderstood by her and she suddenly attack me brutally physically and emotionally. I hate it when she blames me for everything. I hate when she says that I'm lucky that I was born and how she regrets that she ever gave birth of me. Please, I had never asked you to gave birth of me. I had never asked to be alive in this shitty world. If I could choose, I would've choose to not being life and living my life like now. I should have never exist in this world. because life is getting harder and sometimes I feel like I was born by mistaken. I'm useless as shit in this world. I mean, I have a crappy family that if I didn't exist I think they would have a better life. I'm not anyone's bestfriend so it's okay though for them if I didn't exist. I'm not anyone's inspiration so if I didn't exist it doesn't matter for them. Nobody loves me now so I think that if I didn't exist it's okay for them and didn't affect them at all. I have no talent, I'm ugly as shit, I'm fat, I'm not the nicest person ever. I have no idea what I am going to do with my life. I think God is making a mistake by sent me to this world.