you know what I just realized? I realize that I'm a loner. A lone wolf.
that doesn't mean that I avoid people, it's just I'm much more comfortable being alone. I'd rather being alone lost in my own thoughts than being in a room with a crowded people. That doesn't mean I push people away, I just realize that there's a wall built between me and people even if I'd never intended to. There's a separator between my personal life and people around me including my family. I'll never be 100% myself when I'm around people even if that my closest people like family and friends. I don't even feel home even in my own house. I never feel like I belong to anywhere. I never feel like I'm exactly where I was supposed to be.
That doesn't mean I hate my family. I do love them so much and I care about them but they're not exactly the kind of people that I'd love being around with. And I'm dreaming leave this family behind because yes I love them but there's a part of me that want to be free of them. I want to be free of them. Free of their judgement, their treatment towards me, their constant rant about the problems they're dealing with, etc. Don't get me wrong, it's okay to be upset about something but please don't lash it out on me. I love my family but I was born not to be their mailbox and their little girl. I love them but they need to stop treating me like a little kid and for once hear me out.
They've never saw my pain and my late night crying because of them. Correction, nobody ever did.
I've been holding my pain for too long to myself. The pain that they had caused.
They never know that some of their words actually hurt me. Actually, I don't think they know that I am still a human and I can't just turn my feelings off eventhough I've never showed it.
They keep pushing me to do something that I never want to do. They keep dictating my future and my life. Yes I know they just want me to be safe and rich and success but my family's definition of success is completely different from mine.
They want me to be a normal employee in government's office with a big salary, an insurance, etc. That's their definition of success. But that's not what I want. It's not enough for me. It's never gonna be enough for me. That ordinary life has never been my goal in life.
Living ordinary life, stay in the same country until my death, having a kids here, having a boring husband, being a stay at home wife? and then what? you grow old in the exact same house and die. And then people will forget you once you die, 100 years from now you'll be just a name in a tombstone, you'll fade away like you were never a part of this world. And you'll die without knowing and experiencing the big beautiful world out there.
I don't want to end up like that. That's very pathetic, really.
I know I said I'm a lone wolf. But what if the lone wolf just have to be alone and explore every inch of this world to create it's pack. The lone wolf that has never felt home must be through an extremely incredible journey to finally feel home and that wolf creates a pack, a family, it's own family.
That's the kind of journey that I'm willing to take. That's the kind of life that I'm craving.
Exploring the world, write down every memory that I've experienced, share my incredible journey to people, learning new culture, see the wonders of the world, share my experience to another lone wolf out there, helping people, stand up to injustice, speak out about the injustice, get my hand dirty by helping the third world people, create a foundation for another lone wolf that going through what I had been through, inspire people, making myself known as a good and inspiring the adolescent to be better, making the hopeless people feel hope, making young girls feel beautiful and strong, making people believe that in the end we'll get our own happiness.
And through my journey, I'll meet my mate. I'll meet my half. With him, I'll continue my journey and that mate will be my bestfriend, my safe haven, my person. I'll finally be 100% myself around him. He'll laugh at my stupid recklessness but he'll be patient enough to face my stubornness and he'll be strong enough to pull me up everytime I try to give up.
Then I'll settle down. I'll settle down in some nice, windy, place and create my pack, my home. I'll have a cute kids, my little wolf, and after they're big enough they'll be a strong, independent wolves. They'll looking for their own pack. And I'll be happily hear their stories and I'll always be there for them everytime they need to talk. I'll love them with all my heart. My mate, and my lovely little wolves will be my home.
And I'll grow old. I can't continue my adventure with my little wolves. I'll move and stay in a beach house. The beach isn't that bahamas type. It's just a quiet coast, windy, the weather is not hot but it's not cold too. I'll sit down on a nice bench on my porch with my mate, sipping the warm tea, seeing my little wolves grown up and playing with their little wolves outside on a white sand. I'll feel very calm and happy seeing my pack.
And with that I'll drift off into the death. I'll die without pain only relief. I'll die knowing that I've finally feel home. I'll die knowing that I've seen the beauties of the world. I'll die knowing that my existence in this world will be known. That my life isn't just gonna fade away. I'll die knowing that my stories, my journey, my adventures will inspire and will be meaning to another people's lives. And another lone wolves will know that a lone wolf isn't gonna be alone forever.
