High School

Remember when I said I couldn’t wait to get out and leaving all of this behind? Now I’m at the end of high school and I don’t think I’m ready to leave it all behind. Yes my high school life wasn’t that good but I have had experiences in my life during high school. All the good memories, good times that I had, all had happened in high school. I don’t think I’m ready to say goodbye to that times that will never happen again ever.

During high school, I think I grew alot, emotionally and mentally. High school taught me a lot about life. In the past 3 years I’ve been changing so much. Me in junior year is so much different from I am right now. I was childish, spoiled brat and for 3 years I had been given the tough situations that made me who I am today. All the bad things had happened to me for the past 3 years and I had managed to survive.

And for this 3 years, I’ve met the people that taught me a lot and I am so grateful for that. This people in my school in my class year.. Well I’d never thought I’d say this but man, I’ll miss them so much. They grew on me and yes some of them are annoying as hell but I managed to get used to it and it’ll be so weird not meeting them again for a long time after high school.

I also met my bestfriends as I call it. I actually had never even thought this people would become my bestriends but here I am loving this hot headed girls that I call my bestfriends. I had never thought they would mean so much to me. All the good memories in high school, most of them including them. I am comfortable around them, I share every moments with them and all of sudden we will be apart and the worst part is I might not gonna see them for a very long time. I’ll miss them so much, I’ll miss the moments I spent with them and that’s gonna hurt like a bitch.

I still remember the first day of high school, it was awkward and I was so excited and now I’m about to graduate. That sucks because I  remember every single moments of high school and I want to go back and start it all over again. I don’t wanna let go of those memories and I wanna re-live it again. I don’t want this memories to fade away. I don’t want to forget this as I grow older.

I don’t want to grow up.

I don’t want to grow up if it means I have to say goodbye.

I hate saying goodbyes to things I’m used to and to people that I love.

It’s depressing to think as we graduate we will face our own ways. And we’ll drift apart and eventually we’ll be just a faded memories to each other. And when we meet again, we’re not as close as we are now. We become strangers to each other and we have our own life without including each other. And then we’ll chit chat about lives and we move on with our own lives.

I don’t wanna be a strangers to them.

God, I hate growing up.

“Cherish your high school friends, they’ll end up being strangers for the rest of your lives” –Tumblr

That quote is so sadly true. In the end, no matter how close we are to high school friends, for the rest our lives they’ll end up being a strangers to us.

That’s why I hate graduating high school. Because they mean so much to me to be end up as a strangers.

I love you guys so much, Ahda, Oce, Leri, Eca, Lisa.

I wish we’d never be strangers no matter if we meet 10 or 30 years from now, okay? :’(

lone wolf

you know what I just realized? I realize that I'm a loner. A lone wolf.
that doesn't mean that I avoid people, it's just I'm much more comfortable being alone. I'd rather being alone lost in my own thoughts than being in a room with a crowded people. That doesn't mean I push people away, I just realize that there's a wall built between me and people even if I'd never intended to. There's a separator between my personal life and people around me including my family. I'll never be 100% myself when I'm around people even if that my closest people like family and friends. I don't even feel home even in my own house. I never feel like I belong to anywhere. I never feel like I'm exactly where I was supposed to be.
That doesn't mean I hate my family. I do love them so much and I care about them but they're not exactly the kind of people that I'd love being around with. And I'm dreaming leave this family behind because yes I love them but there's a part of me that want to be free of them. I want to be free of them. Free of their judgement, their treatment towards me, their constant rant about the problems they're dealing with, etc. Don't get me wrong, it's okay to be upset about something but please don't lash it out on me. I love my family but I was born not to be their mailbox and their little girl. I love them but they need to stop treating me like a little kid and for once hear me out.
They've never saw my pain and my late night crying because of them. Correction, nobody ever did.
I've been holding my pain for too long to myself. The pain that they had caused.
They never know that some of their words actually hurt me. Actually, I don't think they know that I am still a human and I can't just turn my feelings off eventhough I've never showed it.
They keep pushing me to do something that I never want to do. They keep dictating my future and my life. Yes I know they just want me to be safe and rich and success but my family's definition of success is completely different from mine.
They want me to be a normal employee in government's office with a big salary, an insurance, etc. That's their definition of success. But that's not what I want. It's not enough for me. It's never gonna be enough for me. That ordinary life has never been my goal in life.
Living ordinary life, stay in the same country until my death, having a kids here, having a boring husband, being a stay at home wife? and then what? you grow old in the exact same house and die. And then people will forget you once you die, 100 years from now you'll be just a name in a tombstone, you'll fade away like you were never a part of this world. And you'll die without knowing and experiencing the big beautiful world out there.
I don't want to end up like that. That's very pathetic, really.
I know I said I'm a lone wolf. But what if the lone wolf just have to be alone and explore every inch of this world to create it's pack. The lone wolf that has never felt home must be through an extremely incredible journey to finally feel home and that wolf creates a pack, a family, it's own family.
That's the kind of journey that I'm willing to take. That's the kind of life that I'm craving.
Exploring the world, write down every memory that I've experienced, share my incredible journey to people,  learning new culture, see the wonders of the world, share my experience to another lone wolf out there, helping people, stand up to injustice, speak out about the injustice, get my hand dirty by helping the third world people, create a foundation for another lone wolf that going through what I had been through, inspire people, making myself known as a good and inspiring the adolescent to be better, making the hopeless people feel hope, making young girls feel beautiful and strong, making people believe that in the end we'll get our own happiness.
And through my journey, I'll meet my mate. I'll meet my half. With him, I'll continue my journey and that mate   will be my bestfriend, my safe haven, my person. I'll finally be 100% myself around him. He'll laugh at my stupid recklessness but he'll be patient enough to face my stubornness and he'll be strong enough to pull me up everytime I try to give up.
Then I'll settle down. I'll settle down in some nice, windy, place and create my pack, my home. I'll have a cute kids, my little wolf, and after they're big enough they'll be a strong, independent wolves. They'll looking for their own pack. And I'll be happily hear their stories and I'll always be there for them everytime they need to talk. I'll love them with all my heart. My mate, and my lovely little wolves will be my home.
And I'll grow old. I can't continue my adventure with my little wolves. I'll move and stay in a beach house. The beach isn't that bahamas type. It's just a quiet coast, windy, the weather is not hot but it's not cold too. I'll sit down on a nice bench on my porch with my mate, sipping the warm tea, seeing my little wolves grown up and playing with their little wolves outside on a white sand. I'll feel very calm and happy seeing my pack.
And with that I'll drift off into the death. I'll die without pain only relief. I'll die knowing that I've finally feel home. I'll die knowing that I've seen the beauties of the world. I'll die knowing that my existence in this world will be known. That my life isn't just gonna fade away. I'll die knowing that my stories, my journey, my adventures will inspire and will be meaning to another people's lives. And another lone wolves will know that a lone wolf isn't gonna be alone forever.

2014!!!!

IT'S FREAKING 2014!!!!!
I still feel kind of weird typing '2014'. It seems so unreal. I mean I still feel last year was 2011.
It's freakin' amazing how a year kind of flew by so freakin' fast but sometimes feel kind of a long time ago too. I must say that I'm not really ready to face this year.
Why? because in this year I'll graduate from high school, going to college, meet new people, and basically in this year, I'll have to face the whole new situation and let's be honest I'm not good at being comfortable in new situation.
I'm not ready to face the future. I'm not ready to grow up just yet.
I still want to be with my friends, my family, and my life now. But in order to growing up, I'll have to learn to say goodbye to the things that have always been my comfort zone. I'm sooo not ready.
And graduating from high school means it's the end of my school life, because in college it'll be a whole lot different and I'll have to take care of myself if I want to survive. No more uniforms, no more sitting with your classmates and joking, no more wake-up-at-dawn-so-you're-not-late anymore.
It still scares me how 3 years of my high school life now have to come to an end. Like seriously I still feel I was only a junior last year and being so threatened by my senior and now I am one. I've been dreaming about my high school life since elementary school and now it's about to end?!
In 3 years, I've faced the ups and downs of my life. Whether it's in school, friendship, or family.  I've had so many problems, difficult ones, in the past 3 years of my high school life. I've met a lot of people and some of them became my best friends now. A strangers that I once thought I'd never be friends with, is now my bestfriends. A friends that once who had always stick together with me, we're now drifting apart. My life now, is not the same as last year or a year before. I actually never even thought my life could be different. I actually have never imagined my life could change, that my life could be better. And my life is getting better.
I just wish this year, my life will continue on getting better eventhough I also scared that since 2014 is the year that everything in my life is about to change, I'm scared it'll be a worse kind of change. But let's not be bitter, and have faith in whatever God had planned me to be or to do in this year. Let's see a year ahead what I'll be writing about this year.Cheers!

November 16th, 2013

Hey, so umm... I'm so bored right now so I've decided to post something.

No.. I'm so bored with my life. maybe I've watched or read too many fiction books and movies.

Basically my life now is:

-wake up early in the morning

-go to school

-survive

-go home

-do my homework

-go to sleep.

and it happens repeatedly every single day. I'm just exhausted from all of that activity. School isn't just draining my mind but also my energy. I mean, I want to keep my energy to do other activities but I can't. I think school doesn't realize that I do have another life besides school. I do have a family and I'd love to hang out with them and just chit chat with my friends and read a books or watch movies. I need a me time, Dammit!

I need a time for just focusing with myself without people bother me with questions or some stupid stuffs. I need a new places and new people. I need to escape from my daily routine and just relax without having to worry about people around me because I don't really know them and same as them. I need to get away to new, relaxing place. I dream of that.

I want a week off:( I want to go somewhere new and relax there. Maybe a shore? but not that too hot beach. I want a cold and windy beach. And stay in my hotel room for a day and just reading books and stay in bed and if I get bored, I just walk around the town visiting some cool new places and learn new culture and then if I get tired I just sit there in a coffee shop and order a hot chocolate and being comfortable in a couch and wearing a warm sweater and continue my reading. 

BUT, I can't do that since I have to live my life as a student and have to go to jail  I mean, school... everyday. It's not that I hate school, I hate the system and the rules. When in fact that system and rule are not really working for us, we still dumb anyway! ugh just to think about school makes me feel I want to vomit.

September 27th, 2013

Holy crap!
it's almost October?! how could it  be?? seriously, I feel like December was last month! I feel like I just passed the 10th grade and now I'm in a senior year. And I'm already 17 years old. Man, that sucks!
I just can't believe how times fly sooooo unbelievably fast and I feel like times in a hurry or something because I'm soon gonna be a grown up and I'm not ready for that. Huhhh it seems like someone holding a remote that controls time and that person clicking the flash forward button! I hate that! Time flies so fast now and I'm hardly catching up. Because I may run out of time to do something good, something awesome to do because I'm too busy making all my life to be normal and boring.
Please God make time goes a little slow down. because I can't catch up with times now.

Waktu

Pada nyadar gak sih kalo waktu berlalu terlalu cepat akhir-akhir ini? apa ini emang normal tapi guenya yang gak bisa ngimbangin waktu karena gue terlalu lambat? apa gue doang yang ngerasa?
Gatau juga sih ya tapi gue ngerasa banget waktu jadi cepat banget. Satu hari berjalan sama kaya satu jam. Dan satu bulan jadi kaya satu minggu.
Gue jadi ngerasa aneh sendiri karena gue masih stuck di waktu yg udh lewat. Gue masih berpegang pada memori-memori otak gue yg udah lewat. Gue masih ngeliaat ke belakang dan nyadar betapa cepet gue bertumbuh dewasa.
Gue masih berpikir kalo gue ini anak umur 14 tahun  dan masa depan gue masih jauh panjang. Tapi nyatanya, gue udh mau ke umur 17 tahun. Gue ga siap untuk nentuin pilihan hidup gue, apa yg gue mau seterusnya. Gue ga siap untuk kehilangan orang-orang sekitar gue yg gue tumbuh besar bersama mereka.
Gue sadar banget gue makin dewasa dan begitu juga keluarga gue. Mereka tambah tua juga. Dan kesempatan gue untuk kehilangan mereka makin gede juga. Gue gak siap untuk hidup tanpa mereka, karena gue ngerasa gue masih anak kecil dan masih butuh mereka.
Setiap hari gue jalanin hari biasa aja kaya engga ada yg berubah tapi yang bikin gue sedih adalah saat gue nengok ke belakang dan ngeliat betapa banyak hal yang udah berubah drastis.
Gue ngerasa ini semua cuma mimpi karena saking cepetnya. Gue berharap gue bakal bangun dan ngeliat sekeliling gue dan gue masih anak 10 tahun lagi. Gue kangen banget jadi anak kecil lagi.
Gue pengen balik lagi ke masa anak-anak karena menurut gue itu masa-masa yang paling enak. Dulu hidup ga se-complicated sekarang. Dulu gue ga perlu dihadepin dengan pertanyaan-pertanyaan tentang bakal gimana hidup gue nanti.
Seandainya ada mesin waktu, mungkin gue ga bakal se sedih ini menghadapi masa depan karena gue bisa balik lg ke masa lalu dan re-live that moment.
Gue ga cuma pengen nginget semua momen yg gue udh lewatin tp gue juga pengen ngerasain hal yang gue rasain pada momen-momen itu. Gue cuma berharap ada orang di luar sana yang bisa nyiptain mesin waktu untuk gue balik lagi ke masa lalu.

Warrior-Demi Lovato

This is a story that I have never told
I gotta get this off my chest to let it go
I need to take back the light inside you stole
You're a criminal
And you steal like you're a pro

All the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I was broken and bruised

Now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again

Out of the ashes, I'm burning like a fire
You can save your apologies, you're nothing but a liar
I've got shame, I've got scars
That I will never show
I'm a survivor
In more ways than you know

Cause all the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I'm not broken or bruised

'Cause now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me

There's a part of me I can't get back
A little girl grew up too fast
All it took was once, I'll never be the same
Now I'm taking back my life today
Nothing left that you can say
Cause you were never gonna take the blame anyway

Now I'm a warrior
I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again

No oh, yeah, yeah

You can never hurt me again