what I want to do in my life.

So, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life. like what I really wanna do in the future and it came down to this 3 option:
1. Fashion thing
why? because I really like combining items like creating a style for people and eventhough I'm not a really fashionable person(because I'm not rich) trust me, I still catch up the latest news from the industry(i guess). at least I know some fashion brands, the designers, and models, or anyhing else. And If I want to be in this 'fashion' business, I'm quite sure about the job. I can be a stylist or editor in some magazine because I like styling people and I'm too ugly to be a model and too dumb at designing to be a designer.
2. Politics/Human rights/Justice
why? because I'm aware about today's news and about what happening now in my country. the politic situation is chaos in here and too many corruption in this country and I really want to change it. I really wanna stop this cycle of corruption. I just don't know how. and because of the corruption, politics, and injustice, other people's life is in danger. because to be on top some people can do anything even it is not right. and even it means they have to destroy other people's life. that's really awful. I really can't tell the difference between human and animal lately. because if you do such an awful thing like that, I'm sorry but you're not even a human. what the hell is happening about the value of humanity? aren't we as a human born with intellect and blessed with human rights? so why do we keep hurting each other and destroy each other as if they don't mean anything? why do we chase something that is not gonna last forever like money? yes money can buy you things but does money make you go straight to heaven? nope.
and then in my country there are a lack of tollerance about each other's religion. that is another thing that I really want to change. because I've seen terrible things. I've seen what people from another religion did to my religion. they burned the curch, they demand the government to shut down a church. why? because they said that we're a noise and it is bothering them. wtf?!
3.Work at the United Nations.
why? because eventhough I'm not the nicest people all the time, I really enjoy helping people. I really enjoy if I can make someone smile or happy. and I really want to explore the world. I want to meet people from a different country who needed help and getting involved helping them. I don't wanna be just another philanthropist who donates the money to people. I want to spend time and sharing the same situation with other people, so I can really understand what they feel. I want to help the starving kids, orphanage, and other people who aren't as lucky as I am. Maybe if I work for the UN, I can do all of that! And some of my friends and family think that it is not a good idea because I can't get a lot of moneys from that and they said I should considering work for the government if I want to succes in my future. But that's not the point, I don't work just for the moneys. I'm chasing the experience! I mean, if I work for the government what kind experience I can get? just driving to the office, spend the whole day at the office, got stuck at the traffic on the way home. No, that's not what I want. I want to do something that actually meant something to somebody's life. I want to travel around the world, meeting new people, learn new culture, and I can get all of that while I'm helping other people, right?

So, that's all. maybe one day I'll get the perfect future for me. maybe one day I'll be a environmental lawyer who works for the United Nation while opening a new clothing line! hey nothing's impossible, right? even the words itself I'M-POSSIBLE:)

...

I miss my dad so much. I miss him because he is the only person who has the same thoughts and I miss how we talked about everything and he actually did answers my arguments with his arguments not like my mom. she never take me seriously and can't understand me. she is brutal and psycho and more unstable than me eventhough I'm the young one but seems she's the teenager and I have to take care of her. I hate when I'm being missunderstood by her and she suddenly attack me brutally physically and emotionally. I hate it when she blames me for everything. I hate when she says that I'm lucky that I was born and how she regrets that she ever gave birth of me. Please, I had never asked you to gave birth of me. I had never asked to be alive in this shitty world. If I could choose, I would've choose to not being life and living my life like now. I should have never exist in this world. because life is getting harder and sometimes I feel like I was born by mistaken. I'm useless as shit in this world. I mean, I have a crappy family that if I didn't exist I think they would have a better life. I'm not anyone's bestfriend so it's okay though for them if I didn't exist. I'm not anyone's inspiration so if I didn't exist it doesn't matter for them. Nobody loves me now so I think that if I didn't exist it's okay for them and didn't affect them at all. I have no talent, I'm ugly as shit, I'm fat, I'm not the nicest person ever. I have no idea what I am going to do with my life. I think God is making a mistake by sent me to this world.

Thoughts.

have you ever wondered about life? especially your life. well.......... I know I've been thinking about that and there are a lot of questions in my head about my life.
I've been thinking about life like in my own opinon, my life(or everybody's life?) is made of small pieces of memory. I mean, what you are now is a person that created by your past(get it?). And your past feelings and emotions. 
I also think that everybody's including me are dying. why? because each day we become closer and closer to our death. scary? But it's a fact. We have a time here in this world and sooner or later we're gonna run out of time. We just don't know how, when, and where will we gonna die. And when your time's up, you can't do anything about it. All you have to do is just wait in somewhere out of this world(i don't know what is that place) that God has created for the dead people.
So I appreciate people who do the best they can do whether in their relationship with God or relationship with other people or in their carrer because they know that life is only happen just once and once is enough for those people.
For myself, I'm not those people(yet). I'm still wasting my time here in this world doing nothing. I still haven't figure out what I want to do in my life. I still get lost if someone ask me about my future. I don't know what I want to be remember with. All I know is I wanna have successful carrier and become better than my parents. I wanna be remembered by people because of my good deeds.
Funny thing is that I'm still 16 years old and I'm thinking about all of that stuffs. Is it make me weird? because normally a 16 year old girls usually think about make-up, boys, hang-out, partying, and other things. While here I am alone thinking about that. But it doesn't mean I don't think about that 'normal' stuffs. I do sometimes, but in a sarcastic way like 'what is the purpose of doing that?' or 'does it affect their future?'. Yeah, that's weird. Sometimes I wanna be like that too, like those 'normal' teenagers but then I don't want to. I am more interested in doing something that more valuable to me. Why? probably because I've been through problems that they haven't even face. 

that is my thoughts........... I just wanna spill it out into words sorry if there's a bad/wrong grammars:)

 

little things-one direction

Your hand fits in mine
Like it's made just for me
But bear this in mind
It was meant to be
And i'm joining up the dots
With the freckles on your cheeks
And it all makes sense to me

I know you've never loved
The crinkles by your eyes
When you smile,
You've never loved
Your stomach or your thighs
The dimples in your back
At the bottom of your spine
But i'll love them endlessly

CHORUS:
I won't let these little things
Slip out of my mouth
But if i do
It's you
Oh it's you
They add up to
I'm in love with you
And all these little things

You cant go to bed
Without a cup of tea
And maybe that's the reason
That you talk in your sleep
And all those conversation
Are the secrets that I keep
Though it makes no sense to me

I know you've never loved the sound of your voice tape
You know want to know how much weigh
You still have to squeeze into your jeans
But you're perfect to me

CHORUS:
I won't let these little things
Slip out of my mouth
but if it's true
It's you
Oh it's you
They add up to
I'm in love with you
And all these little things

You'll never love yourself
Half as much as I love you
You'll never treat yourself right darlin'
But i want you to
If i let you know
I'm here for you
Maybe you'll love yourself like i love you
Oh..

I've just let these little things
Slip out of my mouth
Because it's you
Oh it's you
It's you
They add up to
And i'm in love you
And all these little things

I won't let these little things
Slip out of my mouth
But if it's true
It's you
It's you
They add up to
I'm in love with you
And all your little things

world of pain

akhir-akhir ini gue nemu benjolan di leher belakang gue dan itu bikin leher gue pegeeeeeeeel bgt rasanya pgn dicekrekin gt biar gak pegel tp gabisa. dan gue takut bgt ini kanker atau tumor atau penyakit berbahaya lainnya. gue cuma gak mau jadi beban buat keluarga gue kalo gue penyakitan. dan gue gamau meninggal, gue gak mau dan gue gak siap untuk ninggalin orang-orang yg ada di sekitar gue yang sayang bgt sm gue. gue pengen bikin mereka bahagia dulu dan bangga akan gue.
kemaren gue takut nyokap gue kena kanker dan sekarang gue takut gue sendiri yg kena. gue cuma pengin kembali ke masa kecil gue. dimana gue gak perlu khawatir ttg sakit penyakit atau yg lain. dimana gue bahagia bgt sm bokap nyokap dimana cuma ada kita bertiga yg selalu ada satu sama lain. gue sayang bgt sm mereka walaupun gue gak nunjukin.
gue gak mau bikin mereka sedih dan gue pingin mereka bangga dan bahagia.
senin besok gue bakal diopname buat diperiksa ttg benjolan ini. gue ngerasa takut dan gaberani bgt untuk tau hasilnya. gue takut hasilnya.........parah. gue gamau tau ttg ini sakit apa krn gue takut sm kenyataan buruk yg nanti mungkin gue hadepin. gue takut kalau ternyata hasilnya gue kanker dan udah parah. gue takut bgt. gue saat ini cuma bisa berdoa sm Tuhan Yesus ttg ini. 
God, help me:"(

                                                                                                                    "hoping for the best but expecting the worst"

:"(

somehow, i feel like i grow up too fast. gila ya gue udah umur 16 tahun aja, udah kelas 2 SMA. this are the things that when i was a kid i've imagined, being in highschool. dulu kayanya 16 tahun itu udah tua bangeet trus gue ganyangka aja gue tiba-tiba udah kelas 11 gini. dan jujur  i haven't figuring out what my future like. i mean, let's be honest, gue pengen jadi orang sukses oke semua orang juga pengen masa depannya sukses. but the thing is i think i don't know ho to reach that. gue masih belum tau gue pengen kerja jadi apa, apa yang harus gue lakuin untuk menghasilkan uang, dll. gue ngerasa gue belum siap jika nanti suatu saat gue harus masuk ke dunia nyata, dunia kerja, ngelamar kerja, dll. gue ngerasa gue itu masih butuh nyokap dan bokap untuk selamanya. gue sering bgt mikir, 'ih kayanya gue baru kemaren dianterin tk sama nyokap gue'. jujur, gue pgn bgt ngulang masa kecil gue. gue pgn bgt jd anak yg selalu sm nyokap kaya dulu. gue pgn ngerasain dimanjain kaya dulu, ngerasa keluarga yg bener-bener bahagia kaya dulu. when i was a little kid i didn't have to worry about the chances losing one of your family member. now, i just have to prepare myself for the possibility of losing the one i love. because everybody get old. and i'm not ready for losing them forever. i just wish i could re-live that good old times when everything was okay in my family:(

tumblr-ing!!!! (mostly about one direction:p)