tired just tired

“I want to make the best of what is left, hold tight.. And hear my beating heart one last time... before daylight..”

“’Cause  I’ll be leaving in the morning.. come the white wine bitter sunlight..”

I want to give up. Like seriously I’m okay with the thought of dying. I’m not scared of it. If it’s the only way I’ll be happy and free then I’m okay with it.

That doesn’t mean I’m going to kill myself rightaway.. that thought crossed my mind but I’m not ready for the consequence of suicide, but if God decide to take away my soul right now then be it.

I mean what’s the point of my existence? It’s not like I’m the most loved person in the world. I even doubt someone’s gonna miss me when I’m gone for good. The point of my existence has always been to be the puppet or a ‘side dish’ of someone. They say they love me but i think what they really mean is they enjoy me being presence and they only love the way I listen for all of their crap. They don’t know me well enough to love me.

I’m so tired being ignored and neglected. I’m so tired trying to fit in or finding the place where I belong. I don’t fit in anywhere, I don’t belong anywhere, and it hurts me when I feel okay somewhere, they kick me out or drive me away so easily. It hurts.

And what’s the point of holding on to some fake hope of the better future when nobody, no one ever tell me that it’s all gonna be okay. No one gives me that kind of thing. Hell nobody ever asked what I’m feeling. Nobody tells me to be okay or motivate me to pursuing my happiness. Nobody. Not a single person care enough to do that.

Family? Only by blood. One thing I learn from them is to NEVER depend or another human being even it’s your family. And not every family has that kind of endlesss love. Some family are too broken and no matter what, cannot be changed. The only way is to drift apart from them. Some family are toxic, like mine. They are the bad influence in my life, They are the negativity in my life, They. Ruined. Me.

I’m tired pretending like I’m an emotionless bitch when actually I do feel everything.

Too many bad things in my life I don’t know where to fix first. I don’t even know what to fix when the damages are that many.

I wanna die or at least put me in a sleeping state for a few months until everything is getting better

I don’t wanna live my life if I’m not really living. I wanna be free and happy and feeling enough and belong somewhere. I wanna feel loved just for the way I am. I want a simple, normal, happy life.  I want a life that I’ve never had.  I wanna show my laugh, angry, love, breath, worry, and all of the emotions that I feel to someone without being judged or told not to.

I wanna be free, God. That doesn’t mean I’m gonna do something bad like hook up with stranger or being a total slut, it just means I wanna be free of being who I am and free showing my feeling without anyone bitching about how I’m not supposed to feel that way. That means I wanna be free doing things that I really like, like singing, reading, or watching without people bitching how I’m supposed to be their private listener instead of doing what I want. I wanna be free saying what I think in mind without having to explain it. I wanna be free saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ without having to explain a reason behind it.

That’s the kind of freedom that I want. Is that wrong? Because my whole life I have never did all of that. Because for 17 years of my life, that’s never been my life. That’s what I’ve always been craving on.

So, if I can’t have all of that freedom in my life. What’s the point on continue my life?