SO...

it's been awhile since i posted anything
ha, remember i once posted my wish that 2014(or was it 2015?) to be better than ever?
well guess what, it's going downhill.
seriously it keeps getting shittier. i miss my high school bffs badly, i hate my campus, i barely can tolerate the people in there and my family is a big giant mess.
probably what keeps me going is my internet friends and my fandoms (no i am not in one direction fandom anymore though i still love 1d with all my black heart)
i don't know i just feel so stressed out over everything that's going on in my life. i feel like everything is just plain wrong and makes me feel so unhappy. i hate how my campus provide low internet connection and shitty professors, i hate how people in there are so left behind and so awful at english and modern world, i hate some people there that think they are better than everyone eventhough they can't even dress properly. i hate how my family is so dramatic and fight over the same things all over again and again and again. i hate how they treat me like an object instead of a person. i hate how they keep forgetting that i am in fact just a mere human being with feelings. i might not show it to them but i feel it. they demand me to provide them with money and material things when i grow older but they don't even give two shits about my feelings. basically they treat me like a money machine or whatever.
i hate them
i may tolerate them but there is a hidden frustration behind my calm, you have no idea how badly i want to just graduate, have a proper job, and leave the mess that is my family behind.
they think i'm gonna give them happiness (read:$$) LOL NOPE i'm gonna make ME happy first, yes call me a selfish bitch or whatever but i have been unhappy since long ago around them it's not my job to make them happy, all i'm responsible of happiness is myself.
and my happiness is not even a material thing, my happiness is being alone, have a normal life and doing things that i actually want to do instead of people tell me to do.
and my happiness DEFINITELY leaving this toxic family behind.
they are just the bad influence in my life. they are sexist, they are homophobes, they are hypocrites and a very abusive people.
and i know that i'm not entirely hate them, there are good times too around them but those moments are rare compared with the bad ones. i may don't like them but know that i never wish them ill, i only wish them to grow up and be a better people.
one thing that's sure whether i will end up as a mother or not, i will NEVER give my children the kind of life that i've lived growing up.



so that's it. adios bitchachos.

my curse

Hey

So I am officially a college girl now

I am currently studying Human Resource Management at Akademi Pimpinan Perusahaan.

Remember in my last post I stated how I kinda hoped I get in to that campus so it wouldn’t cost a lot of money.

Well it did come true and here I am

I still don’t understand why the fuck I could get in here though. I mean, I didn’t even study for the test and I did the test basically by my own imagination and my fucked up logic.

I don’t even like this major though, I don’t even know or like any of these thing in Human Resource Management.

My heart  still in English Literature because I absolutely like culture, english, writing, et cetera.

I am basically doing this because my hell of a mother forced me to.

Because she said my future would be great if I get in this college and take this major YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT MY HAPPINESS AND MY PASSION IN JOURNALISM mom?

I still have no idea what I would be after graduating from here I mean when I graduate from here I only get a diploma degree not a bachelor and it’s human resource management and it’s limited and FOR FUCK SAKE MY MAJOR ONLY LEARNS ENGLISH FOR 2 BLOODY SEMESTERS GEE MY FAVORITE SUBJECT:”””(

I have to learn such things as business math, accounting, economy, ALL OF THOSE SHITS THAT I’VE BEEN AVOIDING IN HIGH SCHOOL GEE AM I CURSED OR WHAT

My heart is screaming “what the fuck are you doing in here you idiot” everytime I enter a class

Anyway, I think I’m gonna try the sbmptn thingy again next year AND HOPEFULLY I CAN GET THAT MOTHERFUCKING ENGLISH LITERATURE PROGRAM.

ouch

I didn't get in to those universities that I took a tests to get in.
It's been 3 times I got rejected. I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know what God has in store for me but I do know I just gotta trust Him and I know that but it still friggin' hurts. I feel like I'm a disappointment and I let down all of my family. I know I know I may not be the family kind of girl and I had stated a few times before that I'm not really into them but it's hurt to know that I add up their burden because I'll go to private schools and it'll cost more money.
I feel like I'm not good enough and I'm stupid and useless etc.
I know I'm not supposed to feel that way but I can't help it.
It hurts to see all those people get in that great state universities while I'm here like a sitting duck just watching them be happy.
I'm happy for them but there's a pang of jealousy inside of me like "why I can't be like them" or "I wish I  were that lucky" etc
Anyway there's one more test that I'll take in August for Akademi Pimpinan Perusahaan it's sort of state university-ish so it doesn't really cost a lot of money so hopefully I'll get in to that..

what a wonderful world.

HI!
SO...
I'm still not a college student YET.
Yea a lot of people are already officially registered as a college student in some university, but not me. I'm still waiting for the tests result.
yep, I said TESTS, as a plural because I had already done a several tests to get in to several college.
SBMPTN, check.
STP Bandung, check.
The results, about 2 weeks from now and I don't know if I can handle if I don't get into any college from the tests.
Seriously tho, right now I'm basically hoping for the best but expecting the worst because the last time I was being oh so hopeful (snmptn), I didn't get in and it hurts like a beyotch.
I'm hanging on to this verse from the Holy Bible;
  "If God is for us, who can be against us?" -Rome 8:31
and this quote;
  "Do what you can, and God will do what you can't"
Seriously tho, God is so very almighty and basically He has already prepared for my future before I was even a creature, so I just gotta trust Him. Have faith that He holds my future in His hand and everything will be okay in the end.
So, I'm now trying to be my best self, and not because I want to get in to college but because I want to enter my new chapter of my life and I want to be a better person that reflects Love, Faith, and Hope in everything I do and be the bright light to express His love in this bitter world.
I know, I know that sounds sooooo hippie and cheesy but I mean it.
Doesn't mean that I'm now a perfect, joyful, human being that doesn't do bad at all. Like I said I am TRYING  so I still have to fight everyday against the bitter and the rage inside of me and it's a hell of a battle.
I still face the same problem everyday, and I have to shut the urge to say bad things or be bitter about them everyday.
I face the demon inside and the temptation to be mean and I fight them everyday, because I wanna be my best self.
Sure, sometimes I fail and I let the rage and the bitter come out but it's not the same as I used to be.
I'm trying to be grateful about my life because if I don't appreciate it, then it's still gonna be bitter and the bitterness isn't gonna only affect my pessimist judgement, it'll affect my family and friends and everything around me as well.
So I'm trying to see good things and the good reason in my bitter life and be grateful about it so hopefully everyone around me can feel the bright and the positive-ness (is that even a word?) because of me.
besides, I'm a christian, I do believe in God and God is love and love is real and positive and beautiful. So why don't I use the love to make people around me feels better even it's a teeny tiny amount of love?

p r o m

SOOOOO last night I had a prom night with my entire senior class. It was super fun.

The prom was held on Hotel Borobudur and the place was so good and so fabulous and just breath taking. I love my hair and makeup and I love my shoe and everyone was just so perfect that night. The boys wearing tux and all and the girls were pretty in gown and makeup and it was just so good to see them gather around for the last time and they all dressed nicely. It was just crazy how prom was the event that my friends and I had been talked about since our sophomore year and suddenly it’s all over.

I cried last night when we gather around and pray for our each other’s success and to say sorry and hug them for the last time. I hugged my bestfriends tightly because we are soo close in high school and I don’t wanna be apart from them. I cried like a freakin’ baby last night. And they showed the documentary about our time together since junior year and all the times, the laughs, the moments that we’ve shared together. I still remember the first time I went into that school.

Then I remembered our friend Dwi. She was my classmate in junior year. She should’ve been there at the prom. She should’ve been with us celebrating our graduation. She passed away about a year ago. May she rest in peace and celebrating with us wherever she is. We love you, Dwi.

Then the music changed to a clubbing music and we all danced and laughed and just having a great time and eventhough I wear 7 cm heels and it’s killing my leg, I still danced and jumped around and enjoyed it. It was really super super fun and I got to see the wild side of everyone that I’ve never thought could go wild like that. It was fun, seriously. But my mom called and I had to leave the party at 12.30 and that was sucks because the party was still going on and on. Ugh .

Arrived home my leg was hurting and I was tired but it was all worth it to spend the best night my besties and school mates. Love ya’ all!!!

ASGDBAHJDSN

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I DIDN’T GET IN TO THAT UNIVERSITY

Through the snmptn thingy, sbm and um? let’s seeJ

Still, it was a huge slap on my face and it hurts like hell. I was in some event when I opened the result and when I opened it.... I was crying my eyes out for like an hour and honestly it still stings a little bit and I still get that crying feeling. I just wanna wrap myself with a blanket and sleeping and crying for a week and after I’m done, I’ll study for the tests. And this time, I’ll study hard like my life depends on it.

It hurts, you know, to know that you got rejected again and it scar your self esteem again. Man, I was feeling confident about this snmptn thingy and it didn’t work out as I expected and the pain is in there. I felt the pang in my chest and until now, it still hurts to see other successful people that got in.

And now I’m feeling my hope is decreasing little by little to know that the tests will be hard and the student capacity will be more and more decreased and that means my chance in this will be a teeny tiny percent.

I know I know that I should think positive and trust me, i AM TRYING but this bad thoughts and the pessimist side of me begins to show..

And it’s even more sucks because I feel like I dissapoint my family and now my mom will be pushing me harder to get into school that I don’t llke and that’s definetely not my thing, not my passion.

She still doesn’t get it that I AM PASSIONATE ABOUT WRITING, CULTURES, ENGLISH, ETC.

And as a kid it’s sooooooooooooooooo hard to convince my mom that this kind of thing is good and I’ll make it in this.

I know that God has another plans for me. Maybe not through this snmptn thingy  but another way. I may not knowing what is His plan and I may feel like lost but all I gotta do is to trust His heart because He is sooo good and every plan, every future that He has prepared it for me, it must be good and the best for me.

I just wish I could stop having a doubt and not to be anxious and scared and worry all the time.

tired just tired

“I want to make the best of what is left, hold tight.. And hear my beating heart one last time... before daylight..”

“’Cause  I’ll be leaving in the morning.. come the white wine bitter sunlight..”

I want to give up. Like seriously I’m okay with the thought of dying. I’m not scared of it. If it’s the only way I’ll be happy and free then I’m okay with it.

That doesn’t mean I’m going to kill myself rightaway.. that thought crossed my mind but I’m not ready for the consequence of suicide, but if God decide to take away my soul right now then be it.

I mean what’s the point of my existence? It’s not like I’m the most loved person in the world. I even doubt someone’s gonna miss me when I’m gone for good. The point of my existence has always been to be the puppet or a ‘side dish’ of someone. They say they love me but i think what they really mean is they enjoy me being presence and they only love the way I listen for all of their crap. They don’t know me well enough to love me.

I’m so tired being ignored and neglected. I’m so tired trying to fit in or finding the place where I belong. I don’t fit in anywhere, I don’t belong anywhere, and it hurts me when I feel okay somewhere, they kick me out or drive me away so easily. It hurts.

And what’s the point of holding on to some fake hope of the better future when nobody, no one ever tell me that it’s all gonna be okay. No one gives me that kind of thing. Hell nobody ever asked what I’m feeling. Nobody tells me to be okay or motivate me to pursuing my happiness. Nobody. Not a single person care enough to do that.

Family? Only by blood. One thing I learn from them is to NEVER depend or another human being even it’s your family. And not every family has that kind of endlesss love. Some family are too broken and no matter what, cannot be changed. The only way is to drift apart from them. Some family are toxic, like mine. They are the bad influence in my life, They are the negativity in my life, They. Ruined. Me.

I’m tired pretending like I’m an emotionless bitch when actually I do feel everything.

Too many bad things in my life I don’t know where to fix first. I don’t even know what to fix when the damages are that many.

I wanna die or at least put me in a sleeping state for a few months until everything is getting better

I don’t wanna live my life if I’m not really living. I wanna be free and happy and feeling enough and belong somewhere. I wanna feel loved just for the way I am. I want a simple, normal, happy life.  I want a life that I’ve never had.  I wanna show my laugh, angry, love, breath, worry, and all of the emotions that I feel to someone without being judged or told not to.

I wanna be free, God. That doesn’t mean I’m gonna do something bad like hook up with stranger or being a total slut, it just means I wanna be free of being who I am and free showing my feeling without anyone bitching about how I’m not supposed to feel that way. That means I wanna be free doing things that I really like, like singing, reading, or watching without people bitching how I’m supposed to be their private listener instead of doing what I want. I wanna be free saying what I think in mind without having to explain it. I wanna be free saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ without having to explain a reason behind it.

That’s the kind of freedom that I want. Is that wrong? Because my whole life I have never did all of that. Because for 17 years of my life, that’s never been my life. That’s what I’ve always been craving on.

So, if I can’t have all of that freedom in my life. What’s the point on continue my life?